Understanding Your Child's Loss

written by Patrick Tiner, LCSW

How many of you have gone through a grief reaction over some traumatic event in the past year?   Such events as death of a loved one, divorce, loss of job, fire to your home, auto accident, operation?

How many have had a major adjustment such as a new marriage, a baby, a move to a new home or a new State, a new job, change in church, pregnancy?

How many of you have noticed any grief reaction or depression in your child?   What did your child think of those events and how did your child react?  How did you handle those situations?  Did you talk openly with your child or just allow him/her to remain in the background of that situation?  Think of how you would handle your own grief?  Then how would you handle it with your child/children and other family members?

The focus of this article is to explore the issue of how to share the news of death with children according to their age and development and how they might react to such situations.   Of course, each child should be seen as an individual and would react different in some ways, but there are basic factors to consider in their development and age as to how they will view and understand when a traumatic event occurs.

Dr. Haddon Robinson defines grief "as the emotion or complex of emotions we experience when we lose anyone or anything we care about deeply."

Developmental/Grief Issues:

1. Reactions of children age six and under:

Up through age 2, children can sense loss and suffer feelings that go with that loss but are not able to comprehend death in an intellectual sense.   They fear abandonment or separation from parents.  They may have an unexpressed fear of "Who's next?".  Parents should respond to their child's feelings.  Don't vary their routine.  Hold them and talk to them in a calm manner, giving them assurance.  Explanations, even if possible, are likely to be of little value.

By around ages 3 and 4, children have been exposed to death by death of an animal, insects, plants, real or fictional characters (children see a lot on TV).   But they think of death as a temporary condition.  They view it as a separation or departure.

At around age 4 to 6, children tend to view life and death as alternating conditions.  Consequently, they may view the death of a grandparent in a rather matter-of-fact manner.  Children in this age group are interested in the physical and biological aspects of death.  Death can be explained in factual terms and interpreted in religious terms.  The why of death is best explained as a part of the natural order of things.  By explaining death in a biological and physical aspect you help the child distinguish between life and death.  Explain that with death, life stops as far as the physical body is concerned, the deceased cannot return and the body is buried.  Allow children to go to the funeral if they so desire.

2. Reactions of children 7 to 10 years of age:

These children progress from an interest in graves and funerals to an interest in what happens after death.   The child might have some idea of the 'soul' and Christian parents may wish to introduce their own religious beliefs about the hereafter to their children of this age.  However, it is important to help them understand that the conviction of the priority of life over death is more than just theology.  They may experience the death in terms of immediate pain of separation and in terms of the effect of that loss on their future.  They need sympathy and support.

3. Reactions of children 11 years old and older:

These children are, themselves, sources of support and comfort for others.   Allow them opportunities to be helpful to others as it will help them deal with their own feelings.

They can think abstractly and have the capacity to think of death in adult terms.   At around ages 15 to 16 the abstractions become the most important area of life.  The search for meanings, values and philosophies raise many questions as to what is going on and/or spiritual questions on life and death.

It is important to allow children of this age to share their philosophical and religious questions with parents and with peers.   In talking about death, it is important to communicate the idea that death, of itself, does not hurt.  We cry because we hurt inside and miss the one now gone and are sad because we lost a relationship that meant much to us.

Things NOT to share:

There are a number of explanations of death given by adults which, though well intentioned, will create in a young child more confusion, doubt, guilt and fear rather than understanding.

Here are a few of these explanations which should not be told to a child along with what many children's reactions might be:

• "Your Daddy has gone away for a long time." – Children may interpret this as an act of desertion; or are likely to view it as an act of punishment and react with feelings of guilt.
• "Grandma has passed on." – Where to?  This is a vague statement and leaves the child to fantasize.
• "Mommy has gone to heaven." – Small children find this impossible to reconcile with the fact that 'Mommy' is at the same time buried at the cemetery.
• "Grandpa died because he was sick." – This may confuse the child into thinking that all sickness leads to death.  The child may not be able to discriminate between terminal illness and minor illness. Children have a lot of magical thinking in their understanding of cause and effect relationships.
• "Mommy went to the hospital and died." – Thus it is easy for a child to conclude that hospitals make people die.
• "Grandpa is just asleep." – This statement can bring on fears and fantasies about sleeping and cause problems in the child's ability to sleep thinking he'll die in his sleep.  We need to make clear distinctions between sleep and death.  There should be concern in teaching a child the "if I should die before I wake" prayer.

Guidelines in Dealing with Children about Death

In general, when a child asks about death, the following guidelines might be helpful:

1. Give honest, brief answers to questions.   Do not over-answer the questions.  Permit the child to sort out and solve many of the things which are bothering him/her.  You provide the information necessary, but not all the answers.
2. Keep responses at the child's level of understanding.
3. LISTEN, and do not force the discussion or make the child face anything.
4. Do not show anxiety.   Answer slowly, calmly, as a matter of course.
5. Let the child know that it is natural and acceptable to show emotions when someone or something loved as been lost.   It's OK to cry, show grief, etc.
6. Let the child know he/she is still loved, wanted and needed; be sure to show it!   Help the child realize that others still care.
7. Be sure the child understands that the loss was not his/her fault (i.e., something the child said or did).   The loss was not because of her or not because the one who is gone wanted to leave her.  Help the child understand that death is a natural part of life.
8. Keep the child in the family unit.   Do not send the child away from home or prohibit attendance at the funeral, etc.  Include them so they don't feel rejected.  Explain in advance what will happen and permit the child's contributions and help.

How we share with children about death and dying is a great importance.   The questions and thoughts children have about death grow from their daily life experiences.  If parents and others can realize the important need for being open and truthful with children at a time of loss, then many important problems would often be avoided.

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Copyright © 2005 by UT Southwestern Medical Center