Grief of Children

Written by Cathy Weidner, LCSW

One of the most difficult tasks following the death of a loved one is discussing and explaining the death with children in the family.  This task is even more distressing when the parents are in the midst of their own grief.

Because many adults have problems dealing with death they assume that children cannot cope with it.  They may try to protect children by leaving them out of the discussions and rituals associated with the death.  Thus, children may feel anxious, bewildered, and alone.  They may be left on their own to seek answers to their questions at a time when they most need the help and reassurance of those around them.

All children will be affected in some way by a death in the family.  Above all, children who are too young for explanations need love from the significant people in their lives to maintain their own security.  Young children may not verbalize their feelings about a death in the family.  Therefore, holding back their feelings because they are so overwhelming they may appear unaffected.  It is more common for them to express their feelings through behavior and play.  Regardless of this ability or inability to express themselves, children do grieve, often very deeply.

Some common expressions of children's grief:

Experts have determined that those in grief pass through four major emotions; fear, anger, guilt and sadness.  It should be remembered that everyone who is touched by a death experiences these emotions to some degree - grandparents, friends, physicians, nurses and children.  Each adult and child's reactions to death are individual in nature.  Some common reactions are:

SHOCK - The child may not believe the death really happened and will act as though it did not.  This is the usually because the thought of death is too overwhelming.

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS - The child may have various complaints such as headaches or stomachaches and fear that he too will die.

ANGER - Being mostly concerned with his own needs, the child may be angry at the person who died because he feels he has been left "all alone" or that God didn't "make the person well".

GUILT -The child may think that he caused the death by having been angry with the person who died, or he may feel responsible for not having been "better" in some way.

ANXIETY AND FEAR - The child may wonder who will take care of him now or fear that some other person he loves will die.  He may cling to his parents or ask other people who play an important role in his life if they love him.

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The child's first concern may be "Who will take care of me now?"

Maintain the child's usual routine as much as possible.

Show affection, and assure the child that those who love him still do and that they will take care of him.

The child will probably have many questions and may need to ask them again and again.

Encourage the child to ask questions and give honest, simple answers that can be understood.  Repeated questions require patience and continued expression of caring.

Answers should be based on the needs the child seems to be expressing.

The child will not know appropriate behavior for the situation.

Encourage the child to talk about his feelings and share how you feel.  You are a model for how one expresses feelings.  It is helpful to cry.  It is not helpful to be told how one should or should not feel.

Allow the child to express his caring for you.  Loving is giving and taking.

The child may fear that he also may die or that he somehow caused the death.

Reassure the child about the cause of death and explain that any thoughts he may have had about the person who died did not cause the death.

Reassure him that this does not mean someone else he loves is likely to die soon.

The child may wish to be part of the family rituals.

Explain these to him and include him in deciding how he will participate.  Remember that he should be prepared beforehand, told what to expect, and have a supporting adult with him.  Do not force him to do anything he doesn't feel comfortable doing.

The child may show regressive behavior.

A common reaction to stress is to revert to an earlier stage of development.  (For example: a child may begin thumb sucking, or bedwetting; or may need to go back into diapers or have a bottle for a time.)  Support the child in this time and keep in mind that these regressions are temporary.

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Copyright © 2003 by UT Southwestern Medical Center