Helping Your Child Through Grief

Written by Cathy Weidner, LCSW

Grief is an extremely difficult and engaging process.  One must focus on him/herself during this period and rightly so.  Many times, however, we overlook the fact that grief comes in all sizes and ages.  Therefore, children are often ignored during mourning, with the rationale that "they wouldn't understand".  The grieving process in children is highly complex, since so much depends upon each child's stage of development.  For instance, a 3-year-old's understanding of death and the mourning process will be quite different from a 16-year-old.  Yet, there are many fundamental similarities between a child's grief and the adult mourning process.  It is important to understand that grief work provides vast potentials of growth for all ages.  Following is a list of suggestions for helping your child through the grief process:

• Set some time aside to talk with your child - explain the events that are occurring, why you are crying, etc.
• Use basic words like "die" and "dead" to convey the message.
• Use the deceased person's name when referring to him/her.
• Avoid using phrases that "soften the blow," phrases such as "sleeping," "went on a vacation," "God took him," etc. will only scare a child.
• Let your child ask questions - answer truthfully.  Be honest, simple and direct.  If you don't understand something, let your child know that, also.
• Be sensitive to the age of your child, and his/her level of understanding - don't offer information beyond the child's comprehension, as it will only confuse matters.
• Tell stories that will increase your child's awareness.
• Read or have your child read children's books related to death (many are available).
• Play with your child (e.g. dolls, drawing, imagining) in ways that will allow the child to express his/her feelings.
• Watch for TV programs that might help your child's understanding.
• Read books yourself on helping your child through grief - there are many excellent ones.
• Talk about God with your child - pray with your child.
• Share your feelings and experiences with the child if he/she is able to understand them.
• Let your child participate if he/she wants to; e.g., going to the funeral, visiting the cemetery.  However, it is very important that you do not pressure your child into doing any of these things.
• Accept help from others to watch your children and talk with them - but remember, you are the most important person to the child.
• You are a role model for your child - if you hide your grief, they will learn to hide it, too.
• We should (as much as possible) have an understanding of our own grieving process, since these things are communicated to the child.
• Let your child vent his/her emotions and acknowledge them.
• Watch for telltale signs of maladjustments; e.g., eating and/or sleep disturbances over a long period of time.
• Seek pastoral or family counseling if the grief is unresolved.
• Watch for earlier mourning experiences of your child.  For example, a child often experiences death for the first time when a pet dies.
• Remember, a child will have the same feelings we have, but a different level of understanding.
• Communicate to your child your appreciation of having had the deceased person in your life.
• Discuss and have the child recognize changes in routine due to the death.
• Plan something, such as a vacation, that you and your child can look forward to.

This is perhaps the most important of all - please do not be disappointed or angry if your child does not understand or appreciate the death.  They are going through a learning experience and discovery - give them time.

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